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Divorce Recovery Mindset Choice No. 5: Keep Your Eye on the Prize or Be Distracted by Emotions?
Exactly what Also the fee?
The general transition process of divorce goes through three distinct stages: (1) separating, (2) recovering from the divorce, and (3) building a new life as a single person. Each stage has distinctly different objectives, or “rewards”.
Purpose of the Divorce Section: Get CONNECTED. The purpose of the post-divorce recovery phase is to: Dissolve APPENDICES. The goal of creating a new life: Make a NEW YOU.
This article focuses on the goal of Stage 2, Divorce Recovery: Release all ATTACHMENTS to your ex and your life together.
What is “binding” and why is it a problem?
The key to successfully recovering from a divorce is to hold on to your ex and your previous life together.
So, what is an “appendix”?
By attachment I mean everything positive or negative emotional reaction we connect to a person, object or event in our life. If we still have emotional reactions to our ex and our past life together, we can’t fully participate in the present, let alone plan for the future.
You cannot undo what happened in your past. However, you can and should resolve the strong positive and negative emotional reactions that come to your memories of the events.
There are two types of attachments: tangible and relational.
Tangible attachments .
All attachments, including tangible attachments, involve emotional attachments to the past.
For example, a short list of typical tangible attachments to remove includes things like legal documents and other legal entanglements, memorabilia, sentimental items, joint checking accounts, shared credit cards, pictures, gifts, shared social media accounts and emails, shared passwords and security codes, keys to your house or apartment, past email documents, naming a beneficiary in your will, and jointly owning real estate, cars, and gym memberships.
The first step in dealing with many tangible attachments is to physically eliminate them.
Relationship-based attachments – positive and negative – are particularly difficult to dissolve because the strong emotions associated with them are highly personal. Plus, your brain misinterprets these emotions as evidence of a current, ongoing, long-term relationship.
After a divorce, persistent negative relationship attachment can be expressed in constant fighting, revenge, demanding that the ex apologize, expecting the ex to explain why he wanted to leave the marriage, expecting the ex to be respectful and kind, admit that “ he has done himself wrong”.
Attachments based on positive relationships also cause problems and can be expressed by “wanting to stay friends”, continue to chat on the phone or email, meet for coffee, etc.
A client of mine wanted to maintain a friendship with her ex. She realized her mistake when, after a pleasant start to a conversation at Starbucks, her ex started screaming at her for ruining her life. Post-divorce friendships are best avoided, at least until both parties are secure in their new living situations.
Strong positive and negative reactions mean that you are still in a relationship with your ex
As long as your memories of your ex trigger strong positive and/or negative reactions, you remain stuck in the past because your emotions are driving you. to feel that way you are currently living as if the past was actually the present.
It’s important to realize that if you have positive and negative feelings about your memories of your ex, it means you’re still in a relationship with them. This is what people in long-term, committed intimate relationships do. They love each other and have conflicts with each other.
However, after a divorce, the two partners are no longer in a relationship. Therefore, continue to behave as if are still partners or even close friends is extremely confusing. Not only does this hinder recovery, it also prolongs the time it takes to “get over the divorce and move on.”
So you might ask, “If I have to change my emotional reactions to my past memories of my ex, what should I change them to?”
Enter the indifferent relationship.
How does “indifference” save the day?
After divorce, the purpose of divorce recovery is to change your relationship with your ex without an emotional investment. It literally means that you are completely and utterly emotional indifferent to your ex and what do it when he does how he does where will do and with who he does it.
For example, when you’re walking down the street and a perfectly normal stranger walks your way minding his own business, do you feel overwhelmed by love, anger, resentment, hope, disgust? Of course not. You don’t know him, you have no relationship with him, and you have no emotional attachment to him. You could care less about what you do, how you do it, when you do it, where you do it, or who you do it with. It just doesn’t hold any position in your life. He is, for all intents and purposes, a complete “non-gender” to you. You can live your life as if this person does not exist. In other words, you are completely indifferent to this person and what they think, feel and do. This is the goal of how your thinking changes towards your ex.
Fact of life: Your relationship with your ex is over. And if you allow yourself to become indifferent to your ex, you are free to move into the next chapter of your life without the baggage of your marriage holding you back.
What if you need to get in touch?
Sometimes you need to contact your ex, especially if you have children. It is extremely important to realize and accept that even though your ex looks like the same person you married, you are no longer a couple. You no longer have a personal or intimate relationship with him.
If you have to make contact, you treat the relationship as “administrative” or “business” with no personal emotional connection. It’s meant to be like interacting with a bank teller when you cash a check, or interacting with a customer service representative when you return a defective product at Best Buy. You are friendly, matter-of-fact and get things done. Then you go and get on with your day.
So, what’s the point?
I know that sounds extreme. You say, “I’ve lived with this person for years and now I have to believe they don’t exist?” No, I’m not saying that. I agree, you’ve lived with this person for years and you have a history together.
Now, however, you are preparing for the beginning of a new chapter in your relationship with that person, without that person in it. In order to do this successfully, you need to disconnect the emotional attachments for the life you have built up over the years with your ex. You have to keep the memories. But you have to let go of the emotions these memories have triggered.
The choice is this: Will you let the emotions triggered by your memories come at the expense of a successful divorce recovery? Or do you keep your eyes on the prize and let the good and bad memories turn into a sense of indifference that allows you to recover quickly and successfully from your divorce?
How to do this?
Unlocking resistance to change is the key
Letting go of your emotional reactions to the life you lived with your ex and replacing them with a detached indifference. a huge change in how you feel about your ex and your life. There is considerable resistance to implementing this change.
It is the key to successful healing dissolution that resistance. The result will be that previous strong emotional reactions to your ex are replaced by a new, deep feeling of indifference. Only then can you truly let go of the baggage of the past and be ready to forge your new future.
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